Regrets.

Oh. I welcome myself back to the blog world.

This will be my first blog again, after 4 years of unused writing skills. I don't even know how to start. Maybe it's because my mind, and my heart as well, are clouded with thoughts. Thoughts that I never wanna think about. Thoughts that surely hurt. Thoughts that put you to deep slumber.

I say random things, I know.

It's because I only feel random feelings today.

So I guess this won't be a good welcome-back entry.

Sadness. Regrets. These are what the words below will pertain to.

This blog entry is dedicated to someone who never fail to make me smile.

To that someone who promised to be my sunshine during stormy days.

To that someone who makes me laugh hard, harder and hardest.

To that someone who tries to understand me when I cannot be comprehended.

To that someone who's willing to take every risk just to be with me.

To that someone who appreciates my strengths.

To that someone who accepts my weaknesses.

To that someone who's proud to hold my hand and show it to the world.

To that someone who loves me so dearly.

And to that someone whom I have hurt despite all these.

Last night was indeed one of the worst nights I ever had.

And I know that it was one of the nights that you wish never happened.

I said stupid things. I said things that would hurt you. I said it without even thinking twice. Without even thinking about what you would feel. Without standing on your shoes.

For those words that I've said. For those words that caused you pain. For the words you wish you never heard. For the words that made you cry. For the words that made you sleepless. For the words that made you speechless. For the words that brought frustration. For the words that made you hate me. For the words that I should never told you. For the words that made you think about giving up. For the words that should never be uttered....

I'm saying sorry.

I know you're already tired of these scenarios. We fight. We say stupid things. We hurt each other with our words. Then moments of coldness comes. Tears follow. Then we say sorry to each other. We forgive. We hug. And we say "I love you... much." I know you're already sick of all these predictable moments. Others will tell us, "pauulit-ulit na lang". Who on earth wouldn't get tired of the same shit that occurred on a different day? I bet none. But I can never say other words that can make us be okay aside from "sorry." I'm asking for your forgiveness for the nth time.

I know I hurt you. I hurt you badly. And that's something that I regret of doing- hurting you unintentionally.

I promised myself that I would try my best to avoid things that would hurt you. Why? It's because you don't deserve it. If there's someone who deserve to be hurt the way I hurt you,that would be me. For I always commit mistakes. Mistakes that hurt you, and makes you think between leaving and staying.

I don't blame you if you feel confuse, frustrated and unhappy. These are the products of my faults. And if you feel these way, I accept it. If you still don't know what to say, I understand. You're hurt. And I'm sorry that you are.

I told you that this won't be easy. For the past seven months (almost) that we've been together, life really didn't give us easy days. There were happy days, yes, but there were also days that made our relationship rocky and shaky. Yet we stood still. And I hope that what happened will make us stronger, not weaker. As they say, what can't kill you can only make you stronger. And I hope that eventhough this hurt us like hell (especially you), and it made us die a little last night, I hope this won't end here.

I love you, you know I do.

And those things that I've said, are not really what I mean to say. emotions were high last night, and maybe the extreme frustration pushed me to say those words. Let's start all over again. Let's talk things out. Let's open our minds to every possibility that could help us strengthen what we have. Let's bring back the spark, the happiness and the love that none in this world can ever have- except us.

There are a lot of people out there that I know wouldn't do the things that I've done. They are indeed way better than me, and this is an ugly truth. If someday, you would think of leaving because of the mess that I made, that would really be my fault, and there's no one to be blame. I never want that to happen for that would really be a nightmare. That's why I want to correct my mistakes. My wrongdoings. My lacks.

I don't want to lose you, cause even if I spend another lifetime without you, I know I can never find another person like you. Yeah, it's true.

Thanks for the endless understanding. Allow me to give you back all the good things you've done. I want you to feel the love that you've made me feel for the longest time.

So I hope all things will be okay soon.

Sorry for everything, not just for what happened last night, but for everything that I've done wrong since day 1.

Waaa. This made me cry. Not only because of guilt, but because of the fear that you might give up, which something I couldn't bear to happen.

Sorry. I really am.

I love you, Cookie. Please always remember this.

Beyond Forever,

Nikki